Studying My Reactions

Before recovery, I lived in a state of constant reaction. Someone criticized me, and I crumbled or lashed out. Someone praised me, and I felt temporarily worthy. Someone was angry, and I felt responsible. Someone was happy, and I felt relieved. I was like a pinball, bouncing off everyone else's emotions and opinions with no center of my own.

When I noticed myself reacting to negative criticism, I shifted my focus from the criticism itself to my reaction. Doing this changed everything. Instead of just feeling terrible when criticized, I started examining why. What belief was activated? What old wound was touched? What fear was triggered? The criticism itself became less important than understanding my response to it.

I discovered that my reactions revealed more about me than about the criticism itself. When someone said I was too sensitive, I reacted strongly because I believed they were right and felt ashamed. When someone said I was selfish, I felt devastated because I'd built my identity on being selfless. My reactions were maps to my beliefs and wounds.

Now, criticism is information about what still needs healing in me. I can receive it without being destroyed by it. I can examine my reaction with curiosity rather than just feeling awful. The criticism has lost its power because I understand what it activates in me.

When I feel a strong reaction to criticism, I will get curious about my response instead of just feeling awful, examining what belief or wound might have been touched.