I acted like everything was all right. I went to work, took care of things at home, and told people I was okay. Inside, I was living in fear of being discovered.
I smiled when people smiled. I sighed when people sighed. I said yes when I wanted to say no. I read the room and adapted, sometimes without realizing I was doing it. I tried to be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect employee. I was always trying to live up to demands I had created for myself.
I had become a chameleon. I changed what I said and how I acted for each person. I could walk into a room with one opinion and leave with another. When I was alone, I wasn’t sure what I really thought.
It got to a point where I could no longer take care of everyone, try to please everyone, and live up to every expectation while hiding the pain that was eating me alive. I had lost any sense of self-worth.
And I was exhausted.
Then I came into Al-Anon. My shoulders dropped and I finally exhaled. I hadn’t even realized that I had been holding my breath all the time.
Who was I without the mask?
I had spent so much time figuring out what other people needed that I had trouble answering a simple question: What did I want? I might have had an answer, but I would check it against someone else's mood before saying it aloud. I could change my mind in the middle of a conversation just because I sensed disapproval.
In Al-Anon I heard other people talk about their lives without trying to make everything sound all right. Listening to their stories, I recognized things I had done and feelings I had kept to myself. I began to tell the truth about my own life, a little at a time.
Meeting myself
My Step Four inventory was the first time I took an honest look at myself. I saw things I regretted. I saw ways I had tried to manage other people and ways I had let fear make choices for me. I also saw how quickly I could turn an honest observation into a judgment about my whole worth.
Telling my sponsor what I had written felt like I was taking my first honest look at myself. I didn't have to leave out the parts I disliked or make them sound better. I could say what was true and have someone hear it.
I wasn't the worst person I feared I might be. I wasn't the best person I had tried to appear to be. I was real.
Making room for my own life
Knowing myself didn't happen all at once after that inventory. I still caught myself watching another person's mood before deciding how I felt. I could know I wanted to say no and still hear myself saying yes. Seeing that happen gave me a choice I hadn't noticed before.
