What Alcoholism Destroyed

Alcoholism didn't destroy my self-esteem all at once. I hollowed it out slowly - each time I abandoned what I needed in order to manage what they needed. Each time I swallowed my opinion to avoid a fight. Each time I told myself the peace of the house mattered more than my own sanity.

After enough of that, I stopped being someone with low self-esteem. I stopped being someone at all. Ask me what I wanted and I'd calculate the safest answer. Ask me what I liked and I'd scan for what would cause the least trouble. I wasn't hiding myself ‚ I'd genuinely lost track.

Step Four showed me the shape of what was missing. Not just my defects, but all the places where a self used to be ‚ preferences I'd abandoned, boundaries I'd never set, worth I'd handed away one compromise at a time. The disease didn't just lower my self-esteem. It taught me I didn't deserve to have any.