Freeing My Mind

My mind had become occupied territory. Every thought circled back to the drinking. How much, when, why, what it meant, what I should do about it. The disease had colonized my mental space so thoroughly that I had almost no thoughts that belonged to myself anymore.

Step One offered an unexpected gift: the return of my own mind. When I admitted powerlessness and stopped trying to control the disease, when I turned my attention to working on myself, mental space became available for other things. I could think about my interests, my goals, my feelings. I could have thoughts that weren't about alcohol.

This freedom was disorienting at first. I had lived so long with all-consuming thoughts of the disease that I didn't know what to do with a mind that wasn't entirely occupied by worry and strategizing. I almost reached back for those familiar obsessions, uncomfortable with the spaciousness that acceptance created.

But gradually, I learned to inhabit my own mind again. I discovered interests I'd forgotten, feelings I'd suppressed, dreams I'd abandoned. My thoughts became mine once more. The disease still existed, but it no longer had squatter's rights in my consciousness.

Today I can notice when my thoughts become consumed by someone else's disease and gently redirect my attention to my own life.