Advising Is Not Al-Anon

My instinct when someone shares a problem is to offer advice. Have you tried...? You should... If I were you... Giving advice feels like love. It feels like helping. So when Al-Anon suggested I stop, it felt like being asked to stop caring.

But I started noticing something uncomfortable. When I gave advice and people didn't take it, I got frustrated. When they took it and it didn't work, I felt responsible. My "help" had strings attached — I needed it to work so I could feel useful. Then someone told me that unsolicited advice is just criticism in a helpful voice. That stopped me cold. Because they were right — underneath "you should try this" is often "what you're doing isn't working." No wonder people pulled away when I was trying to help.

Sharing my experience instead lets me offer something without telling anyone they're wrong. And it lets me care without needing to control the outcome.

The next time I want to offer advice, I can ask two questions: Was it asked for? And is it care — or criticism I've dressed up as help?