A Thousand Small Fears

I thought I understood my fears — confrontation, abandonment, what people think. But this morning, making coffee, I realized I was afraid to check my phone. Afraid of messages, demands, disappointments. Suddenly, I saw it everywhere: afraid to open mail, schedule the dentist, call my sister back, look at my bank balance. I’m even afraid of my own thoughts, constantly distracting myself from what’s happening inside me. The scope of it overwhelmed me. How could I ask for courage when fear touched absolutely everything?

It’s not just one big fear, but a thousand small ones woven into every hour. But maybe that’s exactly why the program offers a prayer like the Serenity Prayer. I can’t manufacture courage for all of this on my own; I’ve been trying for years. The program doesn’t ask me to be brave; it asks me to ask. To admit I don’t have the courage, and to turn to something beyond myself to receive it. Not all at once, but for this one thing, right now.