In becoming willing, I needed to look at what my amends might be. I needed to think about what I was doing, instead of leaping into action.
Last week I had an impulse to call my adult son and apologize for all the controlling I did while he was growing up. Just pick up the phone and start apologizing. Get it over with. Clear my conscience. But my sponsor said: Stop. Think first. What are you trying to accomplish? Are you making amends for him or for yourself?
In becoming willing I needed to look at what my amends might be. I needed to think about what I was doing instead of leaping into action. Think about what I was doing. This stopped me because honestly I was leaping into action to relieve my own guilt without thinking about what my son might actually need. Would a phone call out of nowhere about past harm help him? Or would it burden him with processing my guilt when he's moved on?
Thinking means asking: What does this person need from me? Not what do I need to unburden. Some people need direct amends - acknowledgment and changed behavior. Some need living amends - changed behavior without dredging up the past. Some need space - respecting boundaries instead of forcing conversation. Becoming willing means being willing for whatever is actually right for them not whatever makes me feel better fastest. That requires thinking deeply instead of leaping impulsively into apologies that serve me more than them.
Practice
For each person on my list, I can write: What do they need from me? Would direct amends help them or burden them? Is living amends more appropriate? Do they need space instead of conversation? I can discuss these questions with my sponsor. Thinking about what serves them stops me from leaping into amends that serve only me.
Today’s Reminder
Think about what they need not what relieves my guilt.
