Justified But Harmful

Yesterday I was reviewing my Step Eight list and I kept finding reasons why my behavior was justified. Yes I raged at my teenage son but he was being disrespectful. Yes I gave my spouse the silent treatment for weeks but they were drinking again. Yes I was contemptuous toward my mother-in-law but she enabled the alcoholism. Every harm had a justification.

As a non-drinking parent we may feel our behavior was justified although our words and actions were harmful. These actions may be difficult to see but taking responsibility for them is necessary. Justified but harmful. Both can be true simultaneously. My rage was understandable given the chaos - and it was harmful to my son who was also suffering. My silent treatment felt like my only option - and it damaged my marriage. My contempt toward my mother-in-law made sense - and it poisoned family relationships.

This is the hardest part of Step Eight. Letting go of justification to see harm clearly. I was suffering. My reactions made sense. And I still caused harm. Taking responsibility doesn't mean what they did was okay. It means acknowledging my part regardless of their part. My son deserved a parent who could regulate emotions even in chaos. My spouse deserved communication even when I was hurt. The justifications protect me from seeing harm I actually caused. But seeing that harm clearly is necessary for any real freedom.

For each person on my Step Eight list, I can write two sentences: My behavior was justified because... AND my behavior was harmful because... Both are true. Holding both truths simultaneously - understanding why I did what I did while acknowledging the harm - that's what taking responsibility actually means.