Taking Things Into Our Own Hands

Before I understood alcoholism as a disease, I saw it as a series of choices I could influence. If I managed the environment carefully enough, eliminated stress, created perfect conditions – surely the drinking would stop. I was like someone trying to cure diabetes through willpower and optimism, not grasping the fundamental nature of what I was dealing with.

This misunderstanding drove me to extraordinary efforts. I controlled finances, monitored schedules, managed social situations, and tried to orchestrate every variable that might trigger drinking. I was exhausting myself treating a disease as if it were a behavior problem, bringing tools wholly inadequate to the task.

The phrase "taking things into our own hands" captures something essential about my early attempts at control. My hands were never the right instruments for this work. I was trying to perform surgery with garden tools, wondering why nothing improved. Not because I wasn't trying hard enough, but because the fundamental approach was flawed.

Learning that alcoholism is a disease changed everything. It helped me see that my management attempts weren't just ineffective – they were based on a misunderstanding of what I was facing. The disease required different help than I could provide. My hands needed to let go so that proper help could reach in.