What Can Be Changed

For months I’d been canceling plans with friends because I needed to be available in case he called. I stopped going to yoga because what if there was an emergency? I let my own doctor’s appointments slide because I was too drained to deal with my health when his crisis felt more urgent. I was living my entire life on standby, waiting to manage his next disaster. Then one Tuesday I looked in the mirror and barely recognized myself. Dark circles, weight gain, that hollow look of someone who’s forgotten what it feels like to simply rest. I’d been so focused on trying to control his drinking that I’d completely abandoned caring for myself. Admitting powerlessness freed me to ask a different question: What can I actually change? I couldn’t change his drinking, but I could reschedule that doctor’s appointment. I couldn’t control his choices, but I could choose to meet my friend for coffee. I couldn’t fix his life, but I could start taking care of my own body, my own health, my own basic needs. Self-care wasn’t selfish—it was the only thing I actually had power over.