Any Concept I Wanted
In Al-Anon I learned I could have any concept of a Higher Power I wanted.
Permission. That's what Al-Anon gave me. Permission to believe what I actually believe instead of what I was told to believe. Permission to question everything about God and start over from scratch if I needed to.
I needed to.
The Higher Power I inherited came with conditions — perform well enough and you'll be loved, fall short and you'll be punished. That God kept me in line through fear, not love. And when alcoholism tore my family apart, that God had nothing useful to offer me. Just guilt for not being faithful enough to prevent it.
So I started over. Carefully, like someone learning to walk again. What do I actually experience as greater than myself? Not what should I believe — what do I know from my own life? The answer surprised me. I found my Higher Power in the honesty of my Al-Anon group. In the quiet that settles over me during the Serenity Prayer. In the fact that things keep working out in ways I never could have planned.
My concept isn't fancy. Some days it's barely a concept at all. But it's mine, built from my own experience, and I trust it more than anything I inherited.
If my inherited beliefs about God aren't working, I don't have to pretend they are. I can set them down today and pay attention to where I actually experience help, hope, or peace — and start there.
