In Al-Anon, working together harmoniously requires that we have respect for one another.
Growing up, when voices were raised, I knew something bad was coming. I learned early that the safest thing was to smooth it over, agree, go quiet. I got very good at keeping the peace whatever it cost.
What I didn't understand was that what I was keeping wasn't peace. It was just the absence of noise. Everyone’s real feelings were still there; the were just buried under a surface that looked calm.
The first time I watched two people in my Al-Anon group openly disagree and then hug each other goodbye, I didn't know what to do with that. They'd said hard things and the room hadn't fallen apart. Nobody left angry. The disagreement hadn't cost them anything because underneath it was genuine respect for each other.
That's what I'd been missing. Not the ability to avoid conflict. The ability to stay in it without losing the person across from me.
Practice
The next time I want to avoid a disagreement to keep the peace, I can ask: am I protecting harmony, or am I just afraid that honesty will cost me the relationship?
Today’s Reminder
I wasn't keeping the peace. I was keeping quiet.
