Healing the Hidden Self
Admitting to God meant sharing with my Higher Power something that I did that caused harm to someone else.
For years, I believed that if I didn’t acknowledge my most shameful moments, they didn’t truly exist. I carried a heavy, invisible backpack filled with the secrets of my past—the times I became physically violent towards him or the times I left my kids with my mom so I could sit outside the bar and watch for him to leave. I felt a deep, burning shame that convinced me I was fundamentally broken. I was certain that if God truly saw the "real" me—the one who manipulated and controlled out of fear—I would be cast out. I tried to hide my flaws from my Higher Power, acting as if silence was the same thing as a clean slate.
Step Five taught me that my shame was a wall keeping me from the very grace I needed. When I finally admitted the exact nature of my wrongs, I realized that my Higher Power already knew my heart and was simply waiting for me to get honest. By speaking my harms aloud, I traded my heavy armor for a sense of belonging. Today, I don’t have to be perfect to be loved. I practice "Progress Not Perfection," trusting that when I bring my mistakes into the light, they lose their power to define me.
I can practice the God portion of Step Five by speaking one thing out loud to my Higher Power that I've been hiding or minimizing. Not just thinking about it – actually saying the words. The admission to God makes it real in a way that silent acknowledgment doesn't.
