Freedom to Define

The God I grew up with kept score. Stern. Disappointed. Always watching for me to mess up so the punishment could begin. When Al-Anon asked me to turn my will over to God, my first thought was: why would I hand my life to someone who's been waiting to destroy it?

That old God was the reason Step Three felt impossible. Not because I didn't understand the concept — I understood it fine. I just didn't trust the God I'd been given. Turning my will over to a judge felt like walking into a trap.

Then someone in a meeting said four words that changed everything: 'You get to choose.' I didn't have to use the God of my childhood. I didn't have to use the word God at all. I could start from scratch. Find something I actually trusted — even if it was just the quiet I felt in meetings, or the fact that my sponsor's advice kept working when my own ideas didn't.

My Higher Power today looks nothing like the one I inherited. That's not rebellion. That's recovery. I had to fire the God who terrified me to find the one who could help.

If my idea of God feels punishing or distant, I have permission to let that go. I can start with what actually feels like help — a meeting, a sponsor, a moment of quiet — and build from there.