Boundaries

Here's an edited version at just under 2,000 characters:

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One of the first things I learned in Al-Anon was about boundaries. I had none. I thought setting a boundary meant cutting the alcoholic out of your life completely — a harsh form of amputation. In Al-Anon I learned that boundaries are where they stop and I begin.

Living with my alcoholic was easy at first. I did everything possible to make her comfortable, giving her everything she needed and thinking I was demonstrating my love. I didn't realize she had a problem until years later. By then I was exhausted — mentally confused, always trying to figure out why things didn't work, and physically run down. I got sick more often, things going wrong with my body that needed medical attention. I didn't realize it was from all the emotional abuse and neglect I was absorbing.

I can't count how many times I said "this is the last time I'm doing this for her" or "if she says that one more time, I'm leaving." But my boundaries never lasted. The red line in the sand always got moved a little further back. I was the only one paying the price. She got to keep doing what she wanted, and I was disappearing.

Then I found Al-Anon and started going like my life depended on it — because it really did. After several months I started to realize I was just as important as she was, but I'd been living like I didn't matter. I started telling her no and meaning it. I stopped running to fix a different meal when she didn't want what I'd made. Most importantly, I stopped letting her tell me I was worthless.

Boundaries are tools I use almost daily. It feels so good to say no and mean it. If it weren't for Al-Anon, the Steps, and the fellowship, I'd still be stuck in the same cycle. Al-Anon helped me stop the insanity, and boundaries are a major part of that.

One of the first things I learned in Al-anon was about Boundaries. I had none. I thought that setting a boundary with the alcoholic is to cut them out of your life completely. It was an harsh form of amputation. In Al-anon I learned that it is where they stop and I begin. Living with my alcoholic was easy at first. I just thought that was how the relationship was supposed to be. I would do everything possible to make her comfortable and safe giving here everything she needed when she asked and thinking that I was demonstrating my love for her by doing these things. I didn’t realize she had a problem until years later. I was exhausted, tired, and worn to a point that there was nothing left of me. And what I mean by that is mentally I was confused always trying to figure it out and why things just didn’t work, and physically. It seemed I got colds more often and things going wrong with my body that would take medical attention. Sometime major somtimes just small things. I was always wondering why I was always getting sick. I didn’t realize that it from from all the time effort and emotional abuse and neglect I was taking from her. That is where boundaries comes in. I can’t count how many times I said to my self “ this is the last time I’m going to do this for her.” Or, “ if she does that or says that one more time I will leave r. I have had enough.” Also telling her that I couldn’t go through another rejection from her and being shut out but always going back because I loved her. I would also say that the next time she is sitting there bleeding because she was drunk and fell she could clean her own self up. But the boundary I was always setting for myself and with her never lasted. It some how got lost in my thinking of “can’t she see everything I’m doing for her and just love me?” The red line in the sand I had drawn was always moved just a little further back all the time. I was the only one paying the price. She got to keep doing what she wanted to do and I was disappearing more and more.

Then I found Al-anon and started going like my life depended on it. Because I didn’t realize at the time it really did depend on some kind of intervention. Al-anon did that for me. After going several months I started to realize that I was just as important as she was but I was acting and living my life like I didn’t matter. I started to see that the only way I could start showing my self that I cared about my self was through setting boundaries. I started how I could tell her no and mean it. It started to get easier to let her know that she had made her own mess and I wasn’t going to clean it up for her this time. I would fix meals and if she didn’t want It I wasn’t going to run and get her something she wanted in stead and fix that. She could get her own dinner. This is what I had fixed and eat it or not and I wouldn’t get hurt over it, or think I was a bad person from it. Probably most important for me was that I stopped letting her tell me I was worthless and didn’t love her and if I di love her I would do this for her or that. I learned that I could protect myself from this kind of abuse by boundaries.

Boundaries are valuable tools I use almost on a daily basis. It feels so good to be able to say no and mean it. I started to feel more free inside the more I practiced them. If it weren’t for Al-anon and the steps and the good fellowship of people I met I would still be stuck;. My life would still be the same maybe not with my mom any longer but with some other relationship I would get in. The cycle would continue. Al-anon help me stop the insanity from it and boundaries are a major part of that help.