Step Nine

If Step 8 was the "prep work," Step 9 is where the rubber meets the road. I remember my hands shaking as I picked up the phone for that first amends. I was still terrified of being rejected or, even worse, being told I was just as bad as I feared. But in the rooms, my sponsor used to ask me one simple, piercing question whenever I tried to find a reason to skip a difficult name on my list: "How free do you want to be?" That question confronts my reluctance. It shifted my focus from the fear of the interaction to the desire for a new life. In Al-Anon, we learn that Step 9 isn't actually about the other person’s reaction or even their forgiveness; it’s about our own spiritual housecleaning. If I only make the "easy" amends, I only get "easy" peace. To get the deep, lasting serenity I saw in the long-timers, I had to be willing to walk through the fire of my own discomfort.

The most important lesson I learned is the difference between an "apology" and an "amends." An apology is often just words meant to make me feel better. An "amends" means to mend, to repair, or to change. It’s a change in behavior. If I was always unreliable because I was obsessed with the alcoholic’s business, saying "I’m sorry" is a start, but the real amends is becoming a person who shows up when they say they will. It's about living the program so consistently that people eventually see the change without me having to explain it.

We also learn to use the "except when to do so would injure them or others" clause with real spiritual discernment. This isn't a "get out of jail free" card to avoid the hard stuff. I had to learn that sometimes my need to "confess" was actually just a way to dump my guilt on someone else. If telling the truth is going to break someone’s heart or cause more chaos just so I can feel lighter, then the amends might be staying away and changing my life in silence—that’s what we call a "living amends."

The spiritual principles here are taking responsibility —in the sense of making things right—and courage. Often, working this step requires I start by forgiving the other person. Forgiveness allows me to walk up to the other person to say, "This is what I did, and I want to make it right." When I finally stopped defending my side and just cleaned my side of the street, the "ghosts" of my past stopped following me. I stopped having to look over my shoulder. I finally understood that the level of my freedom was exactly equal to the level of my honesty.