Step Four

When I first heard "moral inventory," I immediately thought of a rap sheet. I was convinced Step 4 was designed to prove I was as "bad" as I already felt. But my sponsor taught me that an inventory isn't a list of sins; it’s a business tool. Just like a store owner takes stock to see what’s selling and what’s rotting on the shelves, I had to see what was working in my life and what was holding me back.

In Paths to Recovery, we learn that "searching" means we don't just look at the surface, and "fearless" means we do it despite our desire to run away. For years, my inventory was all about the alcoholic. I could tell you every one of their faults in alphabetical order. Step 4 forced the spotlight back onto me. It’s an educational process of uncovering my "parts" in the chaos—my resentment, my fear, and my habit of playing the martyr to feel superior.

The behavior I identified with most was my need to control through "helpfulness." I realized that my "kindness" often had strings attached; I was giving to get. Identifying these patterns was painful, but it was also the first time I felt a sense of agency. I wasn't just a victim of someone else’s drinking anymore; I was a person with specific character traits—both assets and liabilities—that I could finally address.

The spiritual principle here is courage. It takes immense bravery to look at our own resentments and see where we were selfish, dishonest, or afraid. We aren't doing this to beat ourselves up, but to get free. By putting it all on paper, the secrets lost their power over me. I stopped being a mystery to myself.