Control Disguised as Love

I used to think my desire to lead every service committee was a strength. But Tradition Nine helped me see it as a defect: a tendency to control in order to be safe. My home life felt terrifyingly out of control, so I compensated by trying to nail down every detail in my Al-Anon life. I confused being helpful with being indispensable. The payoff for this defect was a feeling of security—if I ran the meeting, it wouldn't fail.

The cost was burnout and isolation. I resisted rotating out of positions because I didn't trust others to do the job as well as I could. The spiritual solution is surrender. I have a Higher Power to rely on; I don't need to survive alone or protect the fellowship from itself. When I finally stepped back and let others take the lead, the group continued to thrive, and my crippling exhaustion lifted. My need to control was not protecting the group; it was hurting me.

When I feel the urge to take charge or manage a situation, I can pause and ask: Am I trying to control because it's necessary, or because not controlling makes me feel unsafe? Can I practice stepping back in one small situation today and notice the difference between actual danger and the unfamiliar feeling of not being in charge? What if safety doesn't require my control?