The Trap of Self-Spared Discomfort
The key is that we do not avoid making amends in order to spare ourselves discomfort – that will only increase our guilt and prevent our healing.
When I first looked at Step Nine, I immediately found reasons not to make certain amends. I told myself it would cause the other person harm, when the truth was, I was anticipating my own acute discomfort. I was trying to spare myself the pain of vulnerability and the potential for rejection. My shame wanted to stay hidden, claiming protection for others as its excuse. This self-protection was a clever, corrosive form of selfishness.
The gap between intellectual understanding and emotional reality was huge. I knew that healing requires exposure, but every fiber of my being wanted to avoid the sting of honest admission. Only when the guilt of not acting became heavier than the fear of acting did I move. The cost of avoidance became greater than the cost of the amend. I realized that my self-sparing wasn't preventing guilt; it was guaranteeing its endurance.
I will ask my Higher Power for the courage to face this discomfort, knowing that God walks with me through it. I will remind myself that the pain of growth is temporary, but the freedom of a clean slate is permanent.
