The Terror of Action
Step Nine is an action Step in which we become humble enough to verbalize our regrets, if appropriate, to the people we have harmed.
For a long time, I stayed camped out in Step Eight. Making the list felt safe; it was an intellectual exercise I could control in private. Step Nine terrified me because it required bringing those lists into the real world where I couldn't control the outcome. What I was really afraid of wasn't the awkward conversation, but the loss of my narrative. As long as I didn't verbalize my regrets, I could maintain a subtle belief that I was the victim who occasionally reacted poorly.
Verbalizing my regrets to the people I harmed shattered that defense. It forced me to own my power—the power I used to hurt others. This humility was painful because it stripped away my excuses. I had to look at the damage without blinking. But there was a strange paradox: the moment I spoke the words out loud, the backpack of shame I’d been carrying for decades suddenly felt lighter. I realized that keeping my regrets silent didn't protect me; it isolated me. Action broke the isolation.
If I am avoiding a specific conversation, I can write down exactly what I am afraid the other person will say. Then I can ask myself: 'If they say that, will I be okay?' When I realize my recovery is stronger than their potential reaction, I can pick up the phone to schedule the talk.
