The Spiritual Yo-Yo
We may find that we are back to exercising our own will. Being gentle with ourselves and remembering that we are human beings on a spiritual path with twists and turns is helpful.
I have a habit of giving my will to God at 7:00 AM and taking it back by 7:15 AM. I pray 'Thy will be done,' but as soon as the alcoholic acts out or the car breaks down, I snatch the controls back. I start maneuvering, obsessing, and forcing. Then I beat myself up for my lack of faith. 'I thought I turned this over!'
It is helpful to remember that I am human. The spiritual path is not a straight line; it's a spiral. I will circle back to self-will a thousand times. The goal isn't to never take my will back; the goal is to shorten the time it takes to realize I'm holding it. Being gentle with myself when I revert to old habits helps me let go faster. Shame just makes me grip tighter. I can simply notice, 'Oops, I'm driving again,' and slide back into the passenger seat.
When I catch myself worrying or controlling today, I will picture myself holding a heavy suitcase. I will physically mime setting it down on the floor and saying, 'I picked it up again. Now I am putting it down.' I will do this as many times as necessary.
