The Terror of Surrender

'Thy will be done' is a dangerous prayer for someone like me who loves control. Part of me is terrified that God's will includes pain. What if God's will is for the alcoholic to hit a lower bottom? What if God's will is for my marriage to end? Surrendering my will feels like taking my hands off the steering wheel of a car that is careening toward a cliff.

But I have to look at the evidence. My self-will—my clutching, forcing, and manipulating—has never brought me peace. It has only brought exhaustion and resentment. Asking for God's will is admitting that I don't see the whole picture. I am looking through a keyhole; God sees the whole room. The surrender isn't about inviting disaster; it's about accepting that I cannot prevent it by worrying. I am trading the illusion of control for the reality of support. I may not like the path, but at least I am no longer driving off the road trying to find a shortcut.

I will remind myself that my Higher Power is not a punisher, but a protector. I will pray: 'I am willing to trust You, even if I am scared.' I will lean into the faith that I am being led to a safe harbor, not a cliff.