My Way

Before recovery I had very specific ideas about how God should handle things. I was willing to turn over my life but only if He would do it my way. I'd pray for help then immediately outline exactly how that help should arrive. I'd ask for guidance then argue when it didn't match my plan. I wanted surrender without actually surrendering.

This contradiction kept me stuck for a long time. I couldn't understand why Step Three wasn't working for me. I was doing the turning over – why wasn't I feeling the relief everyone talked about? But I wasn't really turning anything over. I was handing God a script and asking Him to perform it. That's not surrender – that's delegation with micromanagement.

The breakthrough came when I saw how much I was still trying to control the outcomes even while claiming to let go. I wanted God to fix the alcoholic stop the drinking save the relationship protect everyone from consequences – all according to my timeline and specifications. My prayers were less about trust and more about instructions.

Real turning over means releasing my ideas about how things should go. It means being willing to accept outcomes I wouldn't have chosen paths I wouldn't have taken timing I wouldn't have preferred. That's the hard part – not asking for help but actually accepting it on terms other than my own.

Today I can notice where I'm asking for help but insisting it come on my terms.