The Defect That Feels Like Me
We really don't want to discard them, yet logic prevails.
Yesterday I was complaining to my sponsor about my people-pleasing. I hate how I can't say no. I hate how I sacrifice myself to keep others comfortable. I hate how exhausting it is to constantly manage everyone's feelings. She listened and then asked: So what are you getting from it? I was offended – I'm not getting anything from it. It's a character defect not a choice.
We really don't want to discard them yet logic prevails. But she was right. I don't want to discard people-pleasing because it keeps me safe from conflict. When I keep everyone happy no one gets angry at me. When I say yes to everything no one rejects me. The payoff is protection – from disapproval from conflict from the terror of someone being upset with me.
Logically I know people-pleasing hurts me. It leads to resentment and exhaustion and losing myself. But emotionally? The payoff of safety from conflict feels necessary. How will I survive others' anger if I can't people-please my way out of it? What will happen if I stop managing everyone's feelings and they get upset? The fear of finding out keeps me clinging to this defect.
Being ready means being willing to lose the payoff – to risk conflict and disapproval. That's terrifying.
Today, I will recognize that letting go of people-pleasing means risking conflict, but I will remember that moving through discomfort is how I change. And change is how I find peace.
