My Name Is Not Their Reputation
Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim.
Al-Anon groups don't lend our name to outside enterprises. We protect our identity and purpose by refusing to be defined by anything external. We don't let problems of prestige or association divert us from our spiritual aim.
But I've been lending my identity to the alcoholic's behavior for years. When they looked good—sober, employed, functional—I felt valuable. When they looked bad—relapsed, unemployed, chaotic—I felt worthless. I let their reputation determine my self-worth, as if their status was the enterprise my name was attached to.
Tradition Six is teaching me to separate my spiritual aim from their prestige. Their behavior—good or bad—doesn't define me. If they relapse, it doesn't mean I failed. If they succeed, it doesn't mean I'm vindicated. My value exists independently of their choices. My name is mine, not theirs.
Al-Anon is showing me that I can't afford to lend my identity to anyone else's enterprise, no matter how much I love them. When I tie my self-worth to their reputation, I give them power over my serenity. When I reclaim my name—my identity, my spiritual aim—I'm finally free to love them without needing them to reflect well on me.
When I notice my mood depends on the alcoholic's behavior, I can pause and ask: Am I tying my self-worth to their reputation? Can I separate my spiritual aim from their prestige? What if my value doesn't change based on whether they look good or bad today? Can I reclaim my name as my own?
