A Grief Process

Last month I told my sponsor I was ready to let go of my perfectionism. She said that's great – now prepare to grieve it. I looked at her confused. Grieve a character defect? Why would I grieve something that's been hurting me? But she was right. As I've become ready to release perfectionism I've been cycling through denial anger bargaining and depression.

Becoming entirely ready involves a process for me – a grief process – where I walk through my denial anger bargaining and depression. This naming of grief helped me understand what I've been experiencing. Denial: I don't really need to let this go. Anger: Why do I have to change when everyone else gets to stay the same? Bargaining: Maybe I can keep a little perfectionism just in important areas. Depression: Who will I be without this defining trait?

Character defects have been with me for decades. They've shaped how I see myself and move through the world. Letting them go means losing part of my identity even if it's a part that hurts me. Of course there's grief. The process can't be rushed. I have to walk through each stage before genuine readiness emerges.

When I'm cycling through denial, anger, bargaining, or depression about releasing a character defect, I don't need to judge myself. This is the grief process of letting go. I can acknowledge which stage I'm in and trust that readiness will emerge as I walk through the grief rather than around it.