The Stranger in the Mirror
Step Six says God removes all these defects of character, not me.
If God removes my defects, who am I? If I'm not the Fixer, the Manager, the Martyr, the Critic—if all those survival personalities are stripped away—what's left? Step Six terrifies me because it feels like asking God to kill me.
I built this personality to survive. When adults were unpredictable, I became hyper-vigilant. When chaos reigned, I became controlling. When love was conditional, I became the pleaser. These aren't just 'defects'—they're the architecture of my identity. They're how I've known myself for decades.
The hesitation isn't stubbornness; it's existential terror. If God removes these pieces, I'll be a stranger to myself. There will be a void where my personality used to be, and I don't know what will fill it. What if nothing does? What if I let God remove my defects and discover there's no 'me' underneath?
Al-Anon is teaching me that the void is temporary. God doesn't dismantle us to leave us empty—He clears space for something real to grow. But the waiting in that strange silence, being unknown even to myself, requires a faith I'm only beginning to understand.
When I feel panic about losing a defect, I can pause and ask: What if this trait isn't my true self, just my survival self? Can I sit with the discomfort of not knowing who I'll be without it? Can I trust that God clears space not to abandon me, but to make room for something real to grow?
