Too Tired to Hold On

We talk about alcoholics hitting bottom, but Al-Anons hit bottom too—on our control, on our obsession, on our hypervigilance. I didn't become 'entirely ready' because I had a spiritual awakening. I became ready because I was exhausted. Because clinging to my defect—my need to manage everything—hurt more than the terror of letting it go.

For me his wasn't the mountaintop experience people describe in meetings. This was collapse. I so tired of my own behavior that I couldn't maintain it for one more day. The fear of change was still there, heavy and real. But it finally weighed less than the pain of staying the same.

Readiness comes from rock bottom, not revelation. It's the moment when the survival skill that once protected me has become the thing slowly killing me. When the cost of holding on finally exceeds the cost of surrender. When I'm too tired to fight anymore.

Al-Anon is teaching me that 'entirely ready' doesn't mean eager or peaceful. It means defeated by my own defects. It means the survival mechanism has finally survived past its usefulness, and I'm too exhausted to drag it forward one more step. Readiness is born in the wreckage of what used to work.

I don't have to force readiness. I can honestly assess: What is this defect costing me? What payoff is it providing? When the cost finally exceeds the payoff – when clinging hurts more than the fear of letting go – genuine readiness emerges. I can ask God to help me take the first steps toward healing.