Paying My Own Emotional Rent
Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
Every Al-Anon group is fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. We pay our own rent so we're not beholden to anyone's agenda or influence. Financial independence protects spiritual freedom.
But I need to become emotionally self-supporting. For years, I've relied on others to validate me—to pay my emotional rent. If my spouse praises me, I feel valuable. If they criticize me, I'm bankrupt. If my friend is proud of me, I'm solvent. If they're disappointed, I'm in debt. I'm emotionally dependent on outside contributions.
The problem with emotional dependency is the same as financial dependency: when you can't pay your own way, you're beholden. If my self-worth depends on your approval, I'll twist myself into whatever shape keeps you pleased. I'll compromise my boundaries, ignore my needs, sacrifice my integrity—all to keep the contributions coming.
Al-Anon is teaching me the freedom of emotional self-support. When I validate myself—when I know my worth independently of anyone's opinion—I'm no longer beholden. If they're in a bad mood, I don't go bankrupt. If they withhold approval, I'm still okay. Paying my own emotional rent means I can show up in relationships without needing them to fund my sense of self.
When I notice myself seeking validation or approval, I can pause and ask: Am I emotionally self-supporting, or am I waiting for someone else to pay my rent? Can I validate myself today without needing external contributions? What if my worth exists independently of anyone's opinion, mood, or approval?
