Fear as Stumbling Block

I've been avoiding Step Seven for months and I couldn't understand why. I made it through the hard work of Steps Four, Five, and Six. Why am I stuck here? Yesterday my sponsor asked what I'm afraid will happen if I truly ask God to remove my defects. And everything poured out. Fear that God won't answer. Fear that I'll ask and nothing will change. Fear that God will remove my defects and I'll have nothing left to protect myself.

Fear can be a major stumbling block at any stage of recovery. Major stumbling block. My fear isn't just hesitation. It's a wall blocking me from asking God for help. Fear that if I surrender my controlling I'll be helpless. Fear that without people-pleasing I'll be rejected. Fear that God's way won't work and I'll be left vulnerable with no defenses. These fears feel more real than my faith in God's ability to help.

But my sponsor - seventeen years in program - said she had to ask for help while afraid. The fear didn't disappear before she prayed Step Seven. She prayed while terrified. And the asking itself gradually diminished the fear. Not because she got proof first but because the act of asking despite fear built trust she couldn't manufacture through thinking. Fear is a major stumbling block but it doesn't have to stop me. I can ask while afraid.

Tonight I can name my specific fear about Step Seven out loud: I'm afraid that if God removes my [defect], then [what I fear will happen]. Then I can pray anyway: God, I'm afraid but I'm asking anyway. Please remove this defect. The asking while afraid builds trust that waiting for fearlessness never will.