Catching Myself

Last Thursday I was rehearsing a difficult conversation in my head while driving. Planning what I'd say, anticipating responses, preparing rebuttals. Fifteen minutes into this mental script I suddenly heard myself and laughed out loud. There I go again. Same old pattern. At least I can catch myself now instead of rehearsing for hours without noticing.

Even if they don't we can give ourselves a pat on the back to acknowledge ourselves and learn to see the humor in catching ourselves in the same old patterns. The humor. This is what's changed. I still rehearse conversations obsessively. But sometimes I catch myself and can laugh. There's that old friend - my need to control through mental rehearsal. The catching itself matters even when I don't stop the behavior immediately.

God hasn't removed this defect yet. But I'm noticing it more often. Sometimes I catch myself and stop. Sometimes I catch myself and keep rehearsing but without the illusion that it's helpful. Either way the awareness is progress. My sponsor said that's cooperation - catching yourself is working with God even when you haven't stopped the behavior yet. The noticing creates space for the eventual changing. The humor prevents the shame that would make me hide instead of continuing to ask for God's help.

When I catch myself in an old pattern, instead of shame I can literally pat my own back and say: There I go again. Good catch. Then I can choose - stop the pattern or continue it but notice I'm doing it. Either way the catching with humor is cooperation. The awareness itself is God's removal beginning.