Again and Again

This is the forty-seventh time I've prayed Step Seven about my need to control my adult children's choices. I've counted. Forty-seven times in four months. Each time I think surely this time God will remove it. And each time I catch myself two days later trying to manage decisions that aren't mine to make. The shame of needing to ask again makes me want to stop asking entirely.

Fortunately Al-Anon reminds us to be gentle with ourselves and to turn to our Higher Power for help again and again. Again and again. Not once perfectly. Not even ten times patiently. Again and again without limit. The gentleness is what I've been missing. I've been asking God for help while berating myself for needing to ask repeatedly. That self-criticism blocks the very help I'm requesting.

My sponsor - nineteen years in program - said she's asked God to remove her hypervigilance hundreds of times. Maybe thousands. She doesn't count anymore. She just asks again when it activates again. The again and again isn't failure. It's the practice itself. Being gentle with myself about needing to ask repeatedly creates space for God to work. The harshness just makes me want to hide the defect instead of continuing to ask for help with it.

When I need to pray Step Seven about the same defect again, I can release the shame first. Say out loud: Again and again is how this works. Being gentle with myself creates space for God to help. Then pray simply: God, please remove this. I ask again without apology.