Shifting the Focus
We begin to learn the basic Al-Anon premise of taking our focus off of the alcoholic and keeping the focus on ourselves.
The instruction to focus on myself rather than the alcoholic felt almost offensive at first. Wasn't that selfish? Wasn't I supposed to help, to care, to remain vigilant? The idea of turning my attention inward seemed like abandonment, like giving up on someone I loved.
I had spent so long monitoring someone else's life that I'd lost track of my own. I could tell you exactly how many drinks had been consumed, what time the drinking started, or what was said in anger or confusion. But today, I realize I couldn't tell you what I was feeling, what I needed, or even who I was becoming in the midst of all this watching and managing.
Shifting focus wasn't abandonment—it was survival. I had to learn that keeping my attention on another person’s choices served no one. It didn't prevent drinking. It didn't create safety. It simply ensured that I was consumed by their disease too.
When I finally turned my gaze inward, I was startled by what I found. There was a whole person who had been neglected, whose needs had been dismissed, whose feelings had been suppressed. Taking the focus off the alcoholic wasn't selfishness—it was the beginning of remembering myself.
When I find myself obsessing about someone else's behavior, I can redirect my attention to my own thoughts, feelings, and needs.
