Not Instantly Sane

I thought working the program would make me instantly sane. I'd been insane so long—obsessing, controlling, reacting—that I was desperate for immediate transformation. I wanted to wake up serene, balanced, clear-thinking. When that didn't happen, I felt discouraged. Was the program not working? Was I doing it wrong?

What I've learned is that sanity returns gradually, not instantly. I still have moments of insane thinking—obsessing over what I can't control, believing I can fix someone else, expecting different results from the same actions. The difference now is I can recognize it. I can catch myself in the middle of insane thinking and redirect. I can notice when I'm spiraling and reach for tools.

That awareness itself is progress toward sanity. Before Al-Anon, I didn't even recognize my thinking was insane. I thought my obsession was normal concern, my controlling was responsible caring, my repeated ineffective actions were persistence. Now I can see the insanity, even if I can't always stop it immediately. And often I can stop it, apply a program tool, and choose a saner response.

Sanity is returning. Not all at once, not perfectly, not permanently without maintenance. But gradually, with setbacks and forward progress, I'm becoming saner. I measure my recovery in months and years, not days. And by that measure, the transformation is undeniable.

I don't need to be perfectly sane today. I just need to notice when my thinking is insane—obsessing, controlling, expecting different results from the same actions—and redirect myself toward sanity. The ability to recognize insane thinking is itself progress.