The Question That Changed Everything
Do you think that by resenting her, you are going to change her?
I was complaining to my sponsor about my mother-in-law. Again. Same litany of grievances I'd recited dozens of times. She's critical. She interferes. She treats me like I'm never good enough. My resentment was so familiar it felt like part of my identity. Then my sponsor asked a question that stopped me cold.
Do you think that by resenting her you are going to change her? The question was so simple. So obvious. And yet I'd never considered it that way. I'd been carrying this resentment like it was doing something productive. Like my anger was somehow affecting her behavior. Like if I just resented hard enough she'd finally change.
But of course resentment doesn't change anyone except the person carrying it. My mother-in-law was completely unaffected by my bitter thoughts. She went about her life while I poisoned myself with resentment. The only person my resentment was hurting was me.
That question cracked something open. If resentment wasn't going to change her then why was I carrying it? What was I getting from this bitterness? The answer was uncomfortable – resentment let me feel superior victim righteous. Letting it go meant losing those positions. But keeping it meant staying miserable. The choice became clear.
When I'm nursing a resentment, I can ask: Is this changing them or just poisoning me? The resentment hurts no one but me.
