The Endless List
Some of us find that our lists are endless. This may be a clue that being overly responsible is an issue and we are harming only ourselves.
I've been working on my Step Eight list for three months and it keeps growing. I added my children for all the ways my anxiety affected their childhood. My siblings for family gatherings I ruined with my mood. My coworkers for the stress I created. My neighbors for my complaints. The list is now forty people long and I keep thinking of more.
Some of us find that our lists are endless. This may be a clue that being overly responsible is an issue and we are harming only ourselves. Endless. That word stopped me. My list isn't endless because I've harmed so many people. It's endless because I'm taking responsibility for things that aren't my fault. I put my mother on the list for not protecting her enough from the alcoholic. But I was a child. That wasn't my responsibility.
I added my adult daughter for not making her childhood perfect. But no childhood is perfect and I did my best in impossible circumstances. My sponsor asked: Are you taking responsibility for your actual harm or are you punishing yourself for not being God? The endless list isn't thoroughness. It's self-harm disguised as spiritual work. Step Eight asks me to list people I've harmed not people I failed to save.
If my Step Eight list keeps growing endlessly, I can review it with my sponsor. For each name ask: Did I actually harm this person or am I taking responsibility for things beyond my control? Cross off the ones where I'm being overly responsible. The harm to release is real harm, not imagined failures.
