Best Served by Forgiving

My Step Eight list has my ex-husband's name on it. I harmed him through years of contempt and cold silence. But I can't write anything else because I'm consumed by my resentment list against him. The drinking. The lies. The financial chaos. The humiliation. How can I examine my harm when his harm feels so much bigger?

If we still resent them our own peace of mind is best served by forgiving them. Best served. Not their peace - mine. This isn't about letting them off the hook or saying what they did was okay. It's about recognizing that my resentment is hurting me more than it's hurting them. My contempt and silence were my attempts to punish him. But the punishment trapped me in bitterness while he moved on with his life.

My sponsor said she had to forgive her alcoholic parent before she could see her own harm clearly. Not because the parent deserved forgiveness but because she couldn't progress in recovery while weighted down with rage. The forgiveness wasn't for them. It was for her own peace of mind. And once she forgave she could finally see how her own reactions - the yelling the manipulation the years of martyrdom - had caused real harm to others in the family.

If resentment is blocking my Step Eight list, I can write: My peace of mind is best served by forgiving [name]. Not because they deserve it but because the resentment is hurting me. Then I can pray: God, help me forgive them enough to see my own part clearly.