The Intimacy of Being Peers

In Al-Anon, Twelfth Step work remains forever non-professional. We're not therapists, doctors, or clergy to each other. We're peers—fellow travelers sharing our experience, strength, and hope. No one is the expert; we're all just learning together.

But in my home, I constantly try to play the professional. I diagnose the alcoholic's problems, prescribe solutions, judge their progress. I'm the Treatment Expert, the Life Coach, the Savior who knows better. I professionalize our relationship by positioning myself as the one with the answers.

The shift to peer status feels like a demotion, but it's actually an invitation to intimacy. When I stop trying to fix or treat my spouse, I can finally just be with them. When I resign as the expert, we can sit side by side instead of me standing over them with a clipboard. Peers share burdens; professionals manage cases.

Al-Anon is teaching me that the intimacy I've been craving lives in the peer relationship, not the professional one. When I stop diagnosing and start listening, when I stop prescribing and start sharing my own struggles, when I step down from expert to equal—that's when real connection becomes possible. It's a demotion that feels like coming home.

When I catch myself playing therapist or expert with a loved one, I can pause and ask: Am I treating them or being with them? Can I step down from professional to peer? What if the intimacy I want lives in sitting side by side, not standing over them with solutions?