I Had Harmed Myself

I've had my ex-husband's name on my potential Step Eight list for months but I couldn't figure out what amends I owed him. He was the alcoholic. He created chaos. He lied. He damaged our family. Surely I was the victim not the one who caused harm. But as I examined my behavior honestly something shifted.

What I found was that he had not harmed me – but that I had harmed myself. This revelation was painful and freeing simultaneously. Yes he drank. Yes his drinking affected me terribly. But the real harm I'm carrying isn't what he did. It's what I did to myself in response. I abandoned myself. I made his disease the center of my life. I sacrificed my own wellbeing trying to control his drinking. I stayed years longer than I should have. I betrayed myself repeatedly.

He's not on my Step Eight list because I don't owe him amends for my self-abandonment. But I am on my own list. I harmed myself through my reactions to his disease. I owe myself amends - acknowledgment of how I abandoned me, commitment to never do that again, treating myself with the care I denied myself for years. This is the amends I've been avoiding. Not to him. To myself. For the harm I caused myself while focused entirely on his behavior.

I can ask honestly: Did this person harm me or did I harm myself in response to their behavior? If the answer is I harmed myself, I can add my own name to my Step Eight list. Write: I harmed myself by [abandoning myself, sacrificing my wellbeing, staying too long, betraying my own needs]. I owe myself amends.