Taking Responsibility Gradually

I've been beating myself up for how slowly I'm working Step Eight. Other people seem to make their lists quickly and become willing immediately. I've been working on this Step for six months and I'm still stuck on willingness for most names. My sponsor said: This isn't a race. You're learning something essential.

Gradually I learned to take responsibility for my part in situations. Gradually. Not instantly. Not perfectly. Gradually through practice over time. Taking responsibility for my part is a skill I'm developing not a switch I flip. Each person on my list teaches me more about what taking responsibility actually means. The easy amends teach me the basics. The harder ones teach me nuance. The hardest ones teach me humility.

My sponsor - fourteen years in program - said she's still learning to take responsibility for her part. Still learning after fourteen years. It's not something you master in Step Eight and never work on again. It's a lifelong practice of seeing clearly, acknowledging honestly, and becoming willing gradually. Some people do move through Step Eight quickly. But there's no prize for speed. The prize is the actual learning that happens when I take time to really see my part and really become willing to make amends. Gradually means thoroughly. Gradually means it's actually sinking in.

If I'm frustrated with how slowly Step Eight is going, I can ask: What am I learning right now about taking responsibility? What is this particular person on my list teaching me? Gradual isn't wrong - it's thorough. I'm building a skill that will serve my recovery for life, not rushing through a task to check it off.