Not Their Inventory

Last night I was working on my Step Eight list and I started writing about all the ways my ex harmed me. Pages and pages of their wrongs, their failures, their harms. My sponsor looked at what I was writing and said: That's their Step Eight list, not yours. What's your part?

We can't take another's inventory or do their Eighth Step. By keeping the focus on ourselves we again ask are we willing to make amends? Can't take another's inventory. But I want to. I want to list everything they did wrong to justify my own behavior. I want their list to be longer and worse than mine. I want to make sure everyone knows my harm was smaller and more justified than theirs. But that's their inventory not mine.

Keeping the focus on myself means looking only at my behavior regardless of theirs. Yes they were drinking. What did I do? Yes they lied. How did I respond? Yes they created chaos. What was my part? My contempt was my choice. My silent treatment was my choice. My years of resentment were my choice. Their behavior doesn't disappear from reality. But their behavior isn't on my Step Eight list. Only my behavior belongs there. Am I willing to make amends for my part regardless of their part? That's the only question Step Eight asks me.

When I'm tempted to write about what someone else did to justify my behavior, I can stop. Cross it out. Return to the only question: What did I do? What was my part? Am I willing to make amends for my behavior regardless of theirs? Their inventory is their work. My inventory is mine.