Addicted to Chaos
Some members say fear stands for false evidence appearing real.
The acronym says fear is "False Evidence Appearing Real," but that's too clean. It misses the point entirely. I don't catastrophize because I'm confused about reality—I catastrophize because calm feels dangerous.
When things are quiet, my nervous system panics. Silence means I'm missing something. Peace means I've let my guard down. So I generate scenarios: What if he's drinking again? What if she's lying? What if the other shoe drops and I wasn't prepared? The adrenaline rush is instant, familiar, almost comforting.
I grew up in chaos. My body learned that calm is the eye of the storm, not safety. Fear became my baseline, my drug of choice. I manufacture "false evidence" not because I'm irrational, but because catastrophizing gives me the familiar feeling of purpose. It feels like vigilance, but it's just another way to stay high.
Al-Anon is teaching me to detox from fear. The withdrawal is brutal—calm feels boring, unsafe, wrong. But slowly, I'm learning that peace isn't dangerous. It's just unfamiliar.
When my mind spins into future disasters, I will look at my immediate surroundings and say: 'Right here, right now, I am okay.' I will thank my Higher Power for the safety of this exact moment, trusting that I will be given the strength for tomorrow when it comes.
