The Courage to See

I knew. On some level, I always knew. I saw the signs—the patterns, the lies, the escalation. But seeing required action, and I wasn't ready to act. So I chose blindness. I constructed elaborate stories to explain away what my gut already understood. I stayed in a blinded state not because I was ignorant, but because sight demanded change.

Willful blindness is a survival skill. If I don't see the problem, I don't have to solve it. If I don't acknowledge the harm, I don't have to leave. If I keep my eyes closed, I can maintain the illusion that everything is manageable, that I'm not complicit in my own suffering.

But eventually, the cost of blindness exceeds the cost of sight. The courage to open my eyes isn't about finally learning the truth—it's about finally being willing to act on the truth I've known all along. It's about accepting that once I see clearly, I can't unsee. I'll have to change.

Al-Anon is teaching me that the Fourth Step isn't about discovering new information; it's about admitting what I've been refusing to see. The inventory says: open your eyes. Look at what you've been doing. You knew. Now stop pretending you didn't.

When I catch myself saying 'I didn't know,' I can pause and ask: What did I know that I wasn't ready to see? What truth have I been avoiding because acknowledging it would require action? Can I practice opening my eyes to one uncomfortable reality today, knowing that sight is the beginning of change?