Facing What Haunts Me

Last week I started writing my Step Four inventory and kept hitting walls. I'd write about one resentment and then stop. I'd list one fear and then close the notebook. I kept telling myself I was too busy or too tired but the truth was I was scared. Scared of what I might find if I kept digging.

I needed the willingness to face things – some things that have haunted me from the past and other things about myself that I may discover that I don't like. This sentence named exactly what I was avoiding. Things that have haunted me – the memories I've pushed down for years. Things about myself I may discover that I don't like – the character defects I've been denying or minimizing.

The willingness to face these things doesn't come easily. Part of me wants to stay in denial where it's comfortable and familiar. But staying in denial keeps me stuck. The things that haunt me don't disappear just because I refuse to look at them. They keep showing up in my behavior and my relationships and my fears.

So I'm practicing willingness. Not forcing myself to excavate everything at once but being willing to look at one thing at a time. Willing to face what haunts me. Willing to discover things about myself I don't like. The willingness itself is the first step toward freedom.

If I've been avoiding my Step Four inventory, I can write for just five minutes about one thing that haunts me. Not to fix it or resolve it – just to face it. The willingness to look is more important than having answers.