No Longer Acceptable

Before Al-Anon I had a story I told myself about why I was the way I was. I'm just a perfectionist because I grew up with chaos. I'm just controlling because someone has to hold things together. I'm just critical because I have high standards. I had an explanation for every character defect – and every explanation made it someone else's fault.

Self-righteous justification is no longer an acceptable excuse. Reading this felt like being called out. Self-righteous justification. That's exactly what I'd been doing. Making myself right and everyone else wrong. Justifying my behavior by pointing to their behavior. Using their flaws to excuse my own.

The program asks me to drop the self-righteousness. To stop justifying my character defects by explaining how they were caused by someone else's behavior. Yes I grew up with chaos – but I'm responsible for how I respond to it now. Yes the alcoholic created crises – but I'm responsible for my controlling attempts to manage them.

This doesn't mean I'm to blame for everything. It means justification keeps me stuck. When I justify my behavior I don't have to change it. When I drop the self-righteous justifications I can finally see myself clearly enough to grow.

When I catch myself justifying a behavior by explaining why someone else made me that way, I can stop mid-sentence. Just stop. Drop the justification and sit with the behavior itself. What is it? Why do I do it? What does it cost me? The truth lives underneath the excuses.