Blaming and Excusing
We may discover that we have blamed all our difficulties on the alcoholic and excused ourselves with rationalizations.
My resentment list was easy to write. Too easy. Every entry pointed at someone else — what they did, what they said, how they failed me. It felt honest. It felt righteous. It was also a wall I'd built to keep from looking at myself.
Blaming the alcoholic came naturally. My anxiety? Their drinking. My need to control? Their chaos. I had an airtight case for why every difficulty in my life belonged to someone else. And as long as that case held, I never had to examine my own part.
That's what blame really is — an excuse disguised as an explanation. It feels like clarity, but it's avoidance. As long as everything is their fault, I have nothing to change. And if I have nothing to change, I stay exactly where I am.
Step Four asked me to turn the page over and write my part. Not to absorb blame that isn't mine — but to find the places where I still have a choice.
Throughout the day, I can notice when I'm telling a story where someone else is the problem and I'm the blameless party. That's the pattern. I can ask myself: am I seeing clearly, or am I using their behavior as a reason not to look at mine?
