Best Friends and Worst Enemies

Last Tuesday I was explaining to my sponsor why I had to stay late at work every night this week. The project was important. My boss was counting on me. I was the only one who could do it right. My coworker had dropped the ball so I had to pick up the slack. Besides I'd promised and I always keep my promises.

She listened to my entire explanation and then said: It is often said at meetings that the words rationalization and justification can become our best friends and our worst enemies. I sat with that. Best friends because they protect me from having to look at my behavior honestly. Worst enemies because they keep me stuck.

Every reason I gave for working late was technically true. But it was also a rationalization. The real truth was I was avoiding going home because the alcoholic was drinking again and I didn't want to face it. The real truth was I was using work to feel valuable because I felt powerless at home. The real truth was hidden underneath all my perfectly reasonable explanations.

Rationalization and justification help me avoid the real truth. They're best friends when I need to protect myself from seeing something painful. They're worst enemies when I actually want to grow and change.

When I find myself explaining at length why I had to do something, I can pause and ask: Am I rationalizing? What's the truth underneath my perfectly reasonable explanations? Even just asking the question starts to cut through the rationalizations.