What Alcoholism Destroyed

Before recovery I had no idea who I was. Someone would ask me what I liked and I'd think about what the alcoholic liked. Someone would ask my opinion and I'd calculate what answer would cause the least conflict. Someone would ask what I wanted and I'd honestly have no idea. I'd spent so long managing someone else's disease that I'd lost any sense of myself.

Living with the disease of alcoholism can destroy self-esteem. This sentence stopped me when I first read it. Can destroy. Not might damage or could affect – can destroy. The disease is that powerful. It doesn't just hurt self-esteem or lower it temporarily. It can completely destroy it.

I see this destruction in my Step Four inventory. All the ways I abandoned myself to manage the alcoholic. All the times I ignored my own needs to prevent a crisis. All the years I believed I was responsible for someone else's drinking. All the shame I carried that wasn't even mine.

But understanding that alcoholism destroyed my self-esteem means understanding it wasn't my fault. The disease did this. And if it was destroyed by the disease it can be rebuilt through recovery. Step Four helps me see what was lost. The remaining Steps help me rebuild it piece by piece.

When I catch myself thinking I have no value, I can remember: the disease destroyed my self-esteem, not my actual worth. I can call my sponsor or attend a meeting – places where I'm reminded that I matter and that recovery is rebuilding what alcoholism destroyed.