Stepping Back

I've been noticing how differently I approach Step Four now than I would have before Al-Anon. Before I would have just plunged in – made lists judged myself harshly obsessed over every detail. I would have turned it into another weapon to beat myself up with. Another way to prove I was fundamentally flawed.

Writing also helps us to step back and gain a little detachment before we explore our behavior and the characteristics it reveals about ourselves. The writing itself creates distance. When I write something down I can see it on the page instead of just feeling it in my body. I can look at my behavior instead of being consumed by shame about it.

This detachment isn't coldness or disconnection. It's perspective. It's the difference between I did something wrong and I am something wrong. When I write about my controlling behavior I can examine it describe it understand it – without deciding that controlling behavior means I'm a terrible person.

The page gives me space. I write about what I did and then I can read it back with a little distance. I can see patterns I couldn't see when I was just spinning in my head. I can explore the characteristics my behavior reveals without drowning in self-hatred. Writing creates the detachment I need to actually learn from this inventory.

I will trust that this inventory is not a list of crimes, but a map to freedom. I will ask my Higher Power to sit with me as I write, reminding myself that the truth cannot hurt me as much as the secrets do.